1.5 Skills Needed for Conflict Management

Now that we have covered an introduction to conflict management, its importance and benefits, real examples of conflict management in the world, and definitions of the key topics of this course, we are going to take a closer look at what skills conflict management requires. As we have discussed, in any given context, the primary goal of a conflict management strategy is always to maximize the net gains and minimize the damages—including conflict escalation—for parties whose needs are seemingly at odds. As you might imagine, it is a task that requires many different skills. There are three communication skills which are of particular importance: focus, patience, and emotional intelligence.

Focus

Part of the difficulty of conflict management comes from the nature of conflict itself. As we’ve covered, it can be a highly charged emotional event. Because of this, without proper management, a conflict can quickly lead to each involved party becoming more entrenched in its own position. That party can also become more convinced that the needs or demands of the other parties are a threat to its own, which can in turn lead to conversations devolving into misunderstandings, secondary conflicts, and chaos.

Therefore, whether as a negotiator or as a mediator, one must be able to stay concentrated on only the essential matters that are in dispute and how they can be resolved most effectively.1 The act of resolution is one of bringing disputing parties to common ground. Doing so will require the focus necessary to separate the elements of the conflict from the matters of personality and ego. In general, there are three types of separation you can practice to bring focus to conflict management scenarios.

Separation of Personalities from Disputes

Clashing personalities are exactly where conflicts can devolve past the point of resolution.2 Instead, focus your attention on only the matters that are currently in dispute and how a middle ground can be established based on the particulars of the conflict. Some conflicts may arise from contexts and previous history that may pose further personality clashes. Successful conflict management depends on a commitment to focusing only on what will lead toward eventual resolution and the delivery of maximum benefit to all involved parties.

Separation of Positions from Interests

On the surface, positions and interests may sound synonymous. However, in the context of conflict management, there is a very fine and important distinction between them. Your position is what you have decided you are asking for in any given conflict. Your interests are your reasons for adopting this position.3 While it is still important to discuss and debate the matters being disputed, it is equally important to understand the underlying causes for how these parties have arrived at this conflict. Helping both sides view the situation from a more objective perspective establishes common ground and sets the stage for compromise and agreement.

Separation of Egos from Conflicts

This is especially true when you are negotiating on your own behalf rather than mediating on behalf of someone else. But even in a mediation, you cannot have a personal, emotional stake in resolving the matter. In any conflict management strategy, to ensure success, you need to be able to remove your own feelings and considerations from your attempts to resolve the conflict.4 Regardless of how you feel about the matter, your responsibility is to improve conditions for all of the disputing parties.

Patience

Something to keep in mind is that conflicts that require negotiation or mediation can become complex, drawn-out affairs. Generally speaking, no one likes to concede or make sacrifices right away. Suffice it to say, bringing a conflict to resolution is rarely a straightforward or simple process. Even in a scenario in which the solution is obvious to you, you cannot forego letting each party express its position and taking the time to consider all arguments fairly. Without going through this process thoroughly, you open the opportunity for someone to feel excluded from the process or hurried to reach a decision, both of which can cripple even successful conversations.

Furthermore, if a solution to the conflict is not immediately apparent or seems impossible, it is imperative that you have the patience to search for a solution, rather than conflate a lack of forward progress for failure altogether. In most cases, having the patience to hear out all sides carefully and consider their respective positions is the only way to arrive at a long-term solution that maximizes benefits for all. Here are some techniques you can use to bring more patience to conflict management:

Let Others Explain Themselves and Practice Active Listening

Often, parties will come to a dispute with a burning need to have their case heard, for fear that their wishes or needs will not be met or honored.5 Adopt the position of the listener and you’ll not only better understand the party’s position, but you’ll also make them feel heard. You can go even further by responding to them using similar word choices and phrases, which psychologically makes the other person feel understood. Asking good questions and concentrating on understanding the other person’s position are both important aspects of active listening.

When You Speak, Keep Your Speech as Direct and Clear as You Can

Just having a lot to say does not go a long way in convincing someone else of your point or masking the fact that what you want is at odds with what they are asking for. In fact, if what you are saying feels directionless or murky to the listener, you will only tune people out and make them further entrenched in their position.6 Clarity and openness are persuasive in their own right, and the fewer misinterpretations and confusions there are in a conflict management process, the easier the path to resolution.

Avoid Reacting Emotionally and Becoming Defensive

If you feel things are not going your way, and you are not careful to keep your emotions in check, you can quickly become hopeless about the outcome of negotiations or mediations, which will affect your decision-making ability. When you are reacting from a place of emotion, it may feel like it’s the only option you have to get what you want. In the end, it will only sabotage what might have otherwise been a productive conversation. Never accuse others of having malicious, ulterior motives or make the conversations a hostile environment. Instead, take disagreement and stalemate as a chance to adopt a new point of view, rather than as a personal attack. While you are not obligated to agree with anyone, you serve yourself best by trying to put yourself in the other party’s shoes and see where they are coming from.

Demonstrate Your Readiness to Meet in the Middle

You must always remember that conflict management is not about getting as much as you can for yourself out of any dispute. It is about establishing a lasting agreement between parties that will hopefully lead to further positive outcomes and benefits for those involved. While your instinct may be to approach a conflict with ego and pride, the way to convey real power and authority is by demonstrating an objective, emotionally cool commitment to finding a compromise that works for everyone. That attitude and approach is what will give you real leverage in any conflict.

Emotional Intelligence

In this context, emotional intelligence refers to one’s ability to interpret and navigate their own emotions and the emotions of others with minimal conflict or difficulty.7 As you might imagine, this is an essential skill when it comes to conflict management, as it is the primary method by which one might avoid unnecessary escalations and side conflicts. If you are sensitive to the other party’s emotions and are able to decipher emotional cues from speech patterns, facial expressions, body language, and other subtle cues, you can tailor your own strategy to the emotional state of others. This will increase your chances of reaching a resolution successfully. Moreover, others will intuitively sense your own emotional intelligence and will respect you for it. They will be able to focus more closely on reaching a compromise since there are fewer emotions to distract them.

Do not be concerned if you would not immediately consider yourself as someone with great emotional intelligence. It is a skill that anyone can develop with time and patience. All it takes is getting more in touch with your own emotions without feeling like you have to act on them.8 When you practice this, you will begin to notice the way others succumb to their feelings in matters that require focus and objectivity. You will find yourself much better equipped to handle disputes. No one has ever successfully resolved a conflict with outbursts and tears. A conflict can only be resolved with a level head. Keeping a level head even in the face of adversity requires a degree of emotional intelligence that you can only develop through consistent and conscientious practice in your day-to-day life. If you can do this, you will discover how to reach decisions from a place of pure logic.

To that end, this also means not taking things so personally. This can be difficult when another party may take things personally and then take it out on you.9 However, it is essential to remain emotionally distanced from any conflict in which you take part. The minute someone becomes angry or defensive, they lose their standing in an argument, and ultimately, the respect of those involved. Remember that the goal is not just to get your way but to reach an agreement.

Lastly, remember the significance of relationships. In most circumstances, a conflict can be just a minor blip in an otherwise long and successful relationship so long as that conflict is managed properly. However, a conflict that devolves into an emotionally driven battle can become a permanent stain on even the best of relationships. As you approach conflicts, ask yourself how valuable your relationship with this party is or what it would mean for this relationship to be dissolved by the conflict. You will usually see that the value of what you stand to win in a bitter contest cannot even measure up to the value of the relationship itself. Learn to value your relationships for what they are really worth, and you will find yourself approaching conflict management with a far more measured and analytical perspective.